What the hell is wrong with me?

I need a boyfriend. Or a boy toy. Or whatever. I don't really care what he is. I would take a friend with benefits, even though that's fucked up. I would take a stranger to fool around with. I just need to feel something. I need to know that someone could care even the slightest bit for me. anything. I just need something. I'm going crazy. I hate having to lie. I want someone to kiss and I want them to kiss me back. I want to feel emotion and passion, even if only for a second.

What's wrong with me that I can't get this? Why haven't I experienced any of that? Why me? Why can't I just find someone to love me? To like me enough to talk to me one on one??? To get to know me. And want to know me? This is college! I am supposed to be having the fucking time of my life! This is when shit doesn't matter! I am supposed to experiment! All my friends have hooked up with at least like 3 guys, one of my friends is on a date right now and Julia is like fucking around like no one's business. WHAT THE FUCK DOES A GIRL HAVE TO DO? without looking desperate of course...

Damn, and it's not like high school where there were no choices... this is college, a fucking new horde of guys ready and willing! I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND.

I'm lonely. My therapist told me last year, you're lonely. Plain and simple. He asked me straight up if I'd ever been in love... you know I felt the need to lie? To my THERAPIST. what the fuck is that? I'm sick of being alone, of trying to search my way through this world with no one to talk it out with. I have opinions. Fuck it, I'm a fucking catch! Someone, someone must want to get to know me... I have a sense of humor, I'm smart, I have things to say. I am not a empty headed bimbo slut. Whoever finally gets me, that guy is a fucking lucky dude.

You know I lie to myself sometimes? I feel like I tell so many lies about this, that it has become real to me. Like a fucking facade memory. What the hell is that? How do I let myself open up to someone after lying to myself for the past 4 years? Where did my high school go? Where are my experiences? Why hasn't a guy approached me to hook up since I've been at college? What the HELL is wrong with me?