What the hell is wrong with me?

I need a boyfriend. Or a boy toy. Or whatever. I don't really care what he is. I would take a friend with benefits, even though that's fucked up. I would take a stranger to fool around with. I just need to feel something. I need to know that someone could care even the slightest bit for me. anything. I just need something. I'm going crazy. I hate having to lie. I want someone to kiss and I want them to kiss me back. I want to feel emotion and passion, even if only for a second.

What's wrong with me that I can't get this? Why haven't I experienced any of that? Why me? Why can't I just find someone to love me? To like me enough to talk to me one on one??? To get to know me. And want to know me? This is college! I am supposed to be having the fucking time of my life! This is when shit doesn't matter! I am supposed to experiment! All my friends have hooked up with at least like 3 guys, one of my friends is on a date right now and Julia is like fucking around like no one's business. WHAT THE FUCK DOES A GIRL HAVE TO DO? without looking desperate of course...

Damn, and it's not like high school where there were no choices... this is college, a fucking new horde of guys ready and willing! I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND.

I'm lonely. My therapist told me last year, you're lonely. Plain and simple. He asked me straight up if I'd ever been in love... you know I felt the need to lie? To my THERAPIST. what the fuck is that? I'm sick of being alone, of trying to search my way through this world with no one to talk it out with. I have opinions. Fuck it, I'm a fucking catch! Someone, someone must want to get to know me... I have a sense of humor, I'm smart, I have things to say. I am not a empty headed bimbo slut. Whoever finally gets me, that guy is a fucking lucky dude.

You know I lie to myself sometimes? I feel like I tell so many lies about this, that it has become real to me. Like a fucking facade memory. What the hell is that? How do I let myself open up to someone after lying to myself for the past 4 years? Where did my high school go? Where are my experiences? Why hasn't a guy approached me to hook up since I've been at college? What the HELL is wrong with me?

Less sleep, more study.

That's my mantra I guess. With my Bio test Thursday, a paper due today and on Thursday, it seems that I will just have to make some sacrifices. I had a good lunch today though, and only missed 2 questions on my bio quiz. Nbd. I'm not really liking the singing everyday thing, thought I would, but it's very trying. I think this may be my only semester of this nonsense. But no one can say I didn't try. NO ONE. and no, I'm not giving up just yet, I'm just planning the future... :/

Today my roommate was more annoying than ever. I wish she just never spoke. Or turned the lights on as soon as she assumes I'm awake. Or plays her STUPID music. Or freaks out over nothing. Or asks me if her ugly outfit is cute. If I didn't have my suitemate, I would kill myself. She makes all the shit my roommate does funny. REALLY funny.

I have Choir today and I hate it. For the most part. I like our music, too bad the girls can't sing it. Or they over-sing it. Gosh, that is the most annoying thing, when people try to make you notice them, in indirect ways that end up being not so indirect. Hmmmm, sounds like my roommate also fits into that category.

I have a thesis paper to finish today, so I'll be back soon to discuss the pros and cons of partying on a weekday later. :]

Studio and Meiosis and Beowulf and India and...

lots of Homework! This week will be insane. It is insane.
I had my first official studio today and I butchered the second half of my song, but you know what, everyone was so NICE about it. After I finished, the girls complemented my on my outfit; "she's a fashionista!". I love when people noticed I actually tried to look decent. And I was NOT the only one to mess up. A super cute guy who said I had "a good head on my shoulders" for getting his joke, forget MOST OF his words. hahaha and everyone just laughed! It's so relaxed and fun. And everybody is really comfortable with each other and I hope that soon I can be myself and be a friend. But anyway, I have to work to get my song... I really just need a recording of the accompaniment to practice with... it will be OK!!!!(I keep telling myself...)
I have a short paper on my thesis for Writing Workshop tomorrow, which will be over the novel Anandamath, set in India during English rule. Hopefully I can knock that out today. I had my thesis ready, but when we went over it in class last Friday, everyone decided that mine would need outside research, which we didn't need. So, I had to start over, and I can't write about what I wanted to, but I think this is for the better... ugh. I guess.
I also have a British Literature paper due next week, over Beowulf. That should be a blast. And right now we are reading Chaucer and I'm supposed to turn in some discussion question analysis thing... whatev.
And tomorrow I wake up at 8 to run in aerobic fitness class, which is DIFFICULT. not a blow off. And then I run back to my dorm and take a cold shower in 5 minutes and RUN to biology class. To take a quiz over reading I can't seem to retain and hear a lecture on meiosis. FUN. Oh and we have an exam on Thursday. SUPER.
So, college is hard. And shit, I am learning to time manage, and it is not a walk in the park. Sometimes I miss my mom, and I'll write a note and mail it, just to let her know how much she means to me. Or mail my daddy the fall pro-football schedule I got in my newspaper, just so he knows I think about him a lot. I knew I would miss them, but that does not make it any easier.
I got to see my friends this weekend, which was a MASSIVE blessing, they mean the world to me. I can only be my true self around them. One of my closet friends leaves tomorrow for Scotland where she will attend university. And I ALREADY miss her terribly. iChat will be our savior I'm sure.
I am sick of summer and I am ready ready ready for fall! Cooler weather and cuter clothes!!! I'm a jacket person (it completes the outfit!) and I can't wear any in this insane heat. Today was ok, I guess. But COME TO ME OCTOBER. PLEASE.
I must go eat dinner and BUNKER DOWN in the library to study with my god-send of a suite-mate. Later :]

Today I packed. In boxes. And it hit me that I am moving. Like really moving. It was strange going through my closet trying to decide what would go and what would stay. Then I started thinking about not really living in my room anymore. I will have a new room, with someone else in it most of the time. It's just too hard to imagine being anywhere else then here, in my room.

I mean, of course I am excited for all the cool stuff that's going to happen and is happening, but my dad's not going to be downstairs when my computer does something weird, or when my car won't start. I am going to miss him more than I imagined I could.

UGH, so much to think about, and to be honest, I don't really want to think that much right now.

Until tomorrow.

AK